It’s Never Just About the Clothes on the Floor - By Ross Schwaber

In relationships, we often feel that the current issue we are arguing about is what is creating a very painful dynamic. In reality, the surface issue is only 10-20 percent of what is really going on. Many relationship conflicts are not just about the immediate issue, like the clothes left on the floor, but are often shaped by these deeper past experiences and emotional triggers.  If we are lucky, we can move past the typical relational complaints, which can resemble any variation of the following:

“Why can’t they just do the thing I’m asking them to do?”

“They never put anything away!”

“Why do they always make excuses? When will they ever take accountability for their actions?”

“I’m tired of feeling alone and overlooked.”

These scenarios, when they occur often enough, can lead to resentment with negative consequences if left unchecked. Partners may feel unloved or unheard, resulting in them becoming anxious, depressed, and needing to find other ways to soothe, leading to a lack of sex, affairs, neglect, or even a painful and often unnecessary breakup. 

Relationships are co-created. It is typical for partners to project onto the other partner the idea that the relationship is not working because of that person. What couples don’t realize is that something is implicitly happening that causes different people to react differently to the same situation. Those same clothes on the floor have two very different meanings for the couple.  The unique meanings come from earlier in their own life stories, and, to complicate things, they are often stories they don’t clearly remember but that are still operating in their nervous systems.

 In relationships, especially romantic ones, we are reminded, consciously and unconsciously, of familiar experiences. These experiences influence our emotions and feelings in any situation. We think,

 “I like this” or “I do not like this, because it reminds me of……..”

The “it reminds me of” part is crucial for understanding the other person(s) and oneself. If we are consistently arguing about what we like and dislike, our understanding stays at a surface level. However, if we reflect both individually and together, we can better understand why something is desired or not, fostering empathy rather than resentment.

Communication can happen quickly. How we process communication can happen faster or slower, depending on our experience, which can affect how the dynamic plays out. What we don’t want is communication that looks like a courtroom scene, prosecution versus defense. It is helpful to have a better understanding of how communication works. Below are the building blocks of how we communicate:

Metacommunication

• Verbal Cues

  • Word choice

  • Vocal Intonation

  • Pitch and Volume

  • Tempo

• Non-verbal cues

  • Body Movements

  • Space

  • Touch

  • Eye Contact

Slowing down!

As simple as it may sound, slowing down and staying curious as we move through difficult relational situations can help foster moments of connection, rather than discord. Slowing down is key because it gives us a chance to reflect on our emotions and regulate our nervous system, while actively listening to both our inner voice and our partner. To do this, there needs to be buy-in from both members, in which each person agrees to give the other a chance to share their experience without blame.

At the end of the day, we are trying to find connection and attachment. The co-created relationship cannot continue to move forward without both parties participating. Instead of blaming our partner, we need to ask ourselves what we need to feel understood and loved. Just as crucially, we need to believe that we deserve these things and be able to communicate those needs. 

With more empathy and self-awareness, couples can move from resentment toward connection and understanding. If you want help learning how to do this, book a consultation with Ross.